a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Any refunds available?…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
my favorite genre of twitter
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle