What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he鈥檒l grow a few feet overnight
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
What flavor cupcake are these
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won鈥檛 answer my texts.