I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You Might Also Like
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
(Electricians.)
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching