wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Covid like
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”