Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
You deplete me
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
new record!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
WHO DID THIS?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming