Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

Get off my horse you stupid moon

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

gm

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*