if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.