Doggies just call it style.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
can’t catch a break
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.