8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
man: wait
time: no
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
That earthquake could have been an email.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun