I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.