[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
sir, my pâté if you please
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”