i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
No Google it does not
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.