A wise man once said nothing.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon