We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof