*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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i would wish you the best but i am the best
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein