“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You Might Also Like
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago