If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
We found love in a hopeless place.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*