I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID