I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
inventing words: clothing
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.