Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?