Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE