You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.