I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Finally, an explanation.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine