[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone