I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing