Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
a lot to unpack here
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store