My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.