I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
We avoided this particular disaster
People buying plungers never look happy.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.