My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.