October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.