astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.