me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀