got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them