Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
How it started How it’s going
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The Sun