Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola