Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”