[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
You Might Also Like
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…