[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*