My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold