Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Breaking news:
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.