ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.