If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.