Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Is your wife single?
Who says great literature is dead?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you