Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.