there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
You Might Also Like
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
New menu item
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome