date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You Might Also Like
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’