Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?