Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
no their not
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REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.