Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
just witnessed a drug deal
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Duck typos.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?