Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts