I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise