I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
(Gaming support cat.)
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.