I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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“TGIM!” – My liver
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
my retirement plan is braless
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.