“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
This is hilarious….
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“I took care of your clown problem.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills